Mammograms: etc, etc, etc

yes, ma'am

This is the Kos newsletter: warm email notes from a friend. Finding the simple joy in parenthood, bodies, spirituality, creativity, and beauty. Sound like your jam? Subscribe below for notes a couple times a month.

Have you ever…?

Once upon a time, I found a lump. Let’s start with the ending because there’s no reason this note should cause any alarm. I was lying on a cold hospital bed when a tech handed me a piece of paper that had a checkmark next to 'Probably benign’ and said to schedule another visit in 6 months. It was my third mammogram in three years in three different hospitals.

Each appointment was preceded by extreme self-doubt and self-consciousness about how dumb I was for wondering if that thing was something, or if that tenderness was something else. The first nurse validated me immediately when she said, “Oh, this is exactly what a person should come in for” as she pushed around my skin. I cried with relief after I left. We were moving to South Korea in one week and our son had just broken his arm and gotten 3 pins surgically placed in his elbow.

The next appointment was in California. I couldn’t sleep the night before and was obsessing about when to shower to avoid smelly armpits because you’re not supposed to wear deodorant. But really, I was completely freaked out about the what-ifs. It was another ‘Probably benign’ and see you soon. That repeated two more times. And here we are. A Google calendar reminder to set my next appointment and a…shrug. Am I doing this right? Is there a way to do this right? Everything is fine. It’s not something I’m stressed about after multiple okays from radiologists but it’s still just weird. It feels weird to even think about, let alone worry about it, when others have mammograms sending bad news.

Anyway, it’s more gratitude I feel. Relief. And some waiting and hoping. And disbelief that there isn’t any better way to x-ray breasts than a pancake smooshing machine. Like, c’mon guys. We’ve got heated seats, airplanes, and VR glasses but no gentle mammogram technology?

No Spend February

From February 1-29 we’re not spending money on anything unnecessary. When I tell you that pause before ordering the thing from Amazon is helping, I mean it. I feel like a mental weight is lifted. Still have itchy fingers because I’m a Shopper at heart but it feels good.

Anyone else doing No Spend February?

Currently reading & watching

The Overstory by Richard Powers - Oh my gosh!!! I let the first 10 pages’ literary-ness freak me out but I’m fully converted. I read a chapter or two of my tree paperback each night in bed and it is giving me life.

The Traitors (season 2) - what a delight. Alan Cummings’s outfits! Peter from the Bachelor, Sandra from Survivor, 5 Housewives.

Love is Blind Season 6 - 10/10

The Bachelor - 10/10

Princess Bride - the time has come to introduce this to my kids. We’re going to chow down on hotteok (sweet Korean pancakes) and wait for the giant swamp rat.

Like the Kos newsletter? Consider supporting my Patreon. You can also join the Little Things Podcast Facebook group and @Toasty_kos Instagram. Thx for your support, always. xo Kos